Moving Mountains…
POWERFUL AWARENESS ::: When I was in the deep throws of postpartum depression, I experienced recurrent, intrusive thoughts - one in particular. "I want to put my head through the wall." Over and over, like an alarm bell going off, day-in, day-out - bathing the kids - I want to put my head through the wall - stressed about my health - I want to put my head through the wall - stressful relationship moments - I want to put my head through the wall - you get the picture. The relentlessness was impressive+awful. I had the awareness that putting my head through the wall was not, in fact, a good idea. So I chose not to do it. That didn't stop the intrusive thought from coming, or the strange longing I felt but couldn't (our wouldn't) place. This went on for months.
As I've healed from what was underneath that and the fire I set within myself to enact the change needed, I have realized SO MUCH - but today was the day I realized this:
I had a head-injury as a newborn and was knocked unconscious. Observers thought I was gone. In this accident, my *head* hit a *wall*. It wasn't until last month that I remembered what happened in my consciousness during this event. And it wasn't until TODAY that I realized that's where the recurring loop and longing came from:
Last month, a practice member experienced God during our chiropractic visit (in the middle of the day, during what was intended to be a 10 min. visit). It was as profound as it sounds, and they described it as a Light so bright it filled everything, everywhere, and a Peace and Love that was beyond imagining. They whispered, "I've never felt Peace like this before," and that they <<<didn't want to come back.>>>
As I was processing my holding space for that experience, with gratitude that they *chose* to return, I remembered the LIGHT I experienced during the accident as a newborn. And I’ve been seeking that feeling+Light ever since, consciously through the 'spiritual path' and subconsiously through other means (ie, if my head could meet this wall hard enough, maybe I can escape how I feel 'here' and get back 'there'). You feel me?
Here's the medicine: This seeking can look like (and be) incredibly productive spiritual growth - it can *also* look like (and be) escapism. Wanting to be 'there' *instead* of 'here,' or 'not wanting to come back’, not all the way (dissociation) - this can look like near-death experiences, alcohol black-outs, overdoses, drug use, plant-medicine journeys, abuse, suicidality, dissociation, disordered eating, and addictions of all kinds. What if our dear souls are seeking a way to 'dissociate' from this body, and get back to the feeling+knowing of that Light? *To dis-member to re-member,* that we are more than this body and its current experience? And that each of those paths may *all* serve a sacred purpose + also tempt escapism (+addiction & harm)?
I pray you, we, I, continue to *CHOOSE* TO COME BACK. AND TO STAY. ALL of us, EVERY PART of us, 100%, all the way, right here, right now, in this body. EVEN IN THESE CHALLENGING TIMES - THIS is the medicine - to bridge discomfort+seeking more/better into the realization+honor that YOU are the Medicine.
*THIS* is what we came here for. To re-member (put back together) who we are. A soul who gets to take a ride in human form for a little while - YOUR human form. It's the most sacred bliss technology - and we are invited to remember that. To turn the Light on - OUR light - and keep connected to "The Light" of Creator-Source-God, right HERE, from *within* this body. That it is SAFE and we are CAPABLE of doing it. It is safe to be FULLY present, here. What we are SEEKING, we already HAVE - if we choose it - it's HERE, within the body - within you - because it is the essence+truth of who you are. You don't move the mountain. The mountain COMES TO YOU when YOU are READY to move.