Maybe none of this is okay.
Maybe none of this is okay.
I was so angry. All the time.
I was mad at *her,* too.
A spiritual presence sometimes just did not feel like enough as I dangled at the end of my rope, simultaneously feeling like I would suddenly spontaneously combust and that I was also, somehow, drowning.
I KNOW I’m not alone.
Why does it *feel* like I am?
Invisible, unhelpable, lonely in such a way and in such a space that there is no human who could ever seem to reach me.
I know Spirit went out of her/his/its way to grace me with very palpable support and to make themselves known. As I quietly battled my despair, facing a new flavor of stinging loneliness &betrayal, I let out an absolute grief-stricken wail, I didn’t even care if my office-mates heard me. I collapsed forward onto my acupuncture table and literally felt her+Spirit lift the weight of the grief from my back. I *felt* them holding me. I was so grateful, and even in the depths of the pit, I fell into praise and cried even harder.
Years have passed since then, and I am in new phases of awareness, and another cycle of loving and letting go.So, tonight, no wailing, but humble gratitude and praise, to all that is coming, going, and here now… and to Spirit guiding me where my eyes can’t see but my feet trust the Way. There’s unique and humbling pain in surrendering everything you’ve got to Spirit, and, also, even in the medicine of resisting the process too.
If you’re struggling, burning, drowning, or barely making it, you’re not alone in the pain. Most of us journey in silence (bc what the fck is the point of speaking it when you feel invisible and unhelpable anyway?) Well, here’s what I’ve learned+continue learning: You are NEVER unreachable to Spirit. Because YOU👏*ARE*👏 IT👏,CONNECTED AND INSEPARABLE, like a ray of Light to the Sun. ASK Spirit/Creator/God to show up in ways you can see/feel/hear-clear and obvious. And then do your part& be willing to receive that Love. Pay attention, it WILL show up. And it does get better. Other people struggle too, and the cultural scenario most mothers face is beyond absurd. You are loved and frankly, fking awesome. The GIFTS on the other side are GREATER than any pain.